Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
by Lennonion
Summary: Jean and Eren are sexually tense idiots who decide to take Rivaille's French class for shits and giggles in their last year of high school. Levi sees some kind of potential in these boys, especially Eren, and decides to take action. But there's one catch - these two hate each others' guts. Will Levi help them see they're DTF and in love? Or will they find out on their own instead?
1. Incentive

I don't even know why I picked this French class. My teacher was a dick, the class was filled with assholes, and on top of that I was failing with a D. I'm French for fuck's sake! The only thing that went right in that class was the way Rivaille pronounced my name. Sort of like Sean, but with more of a 'J' sound at the beginning. I bet my parents thought they were so cool, having to cart me around while correcting people 24/7 when they said 'Jeen' and not 'Jean'. Why not just name me John instead?

"Kirschtein, pay attention!" My train of throught crashed as Rivaille's metal yardstick practically abused my desk. He was quite a character. He was fucking short. It was comical how he nearly got trampled over when he stood in the hallway as the kids were dismissed. I felt like telling him to go apply for midget porn because he really didn't know how to teach.

"What's the answer to number two?" He asked sternly.

"U-Uhh.. Bonjour?" I muttered in response. Everyone laughed, and I caught Eren smirking at me.

"Wrong as I presumed. You're staying after to make up that D." Levi ordered, spinning around and returning to the board.

Fucking Jaeger was still snickering. "Hey guys, hear that? Jean's gotta make up the _D_!" He could barely contain himself. I flashed him my best death glare and gave him the middle finger, to which he challenged with a dick-in-mouth gesture.

"If you think I'm giving Levi head to make up my grade, you're wacked!" I growled, feeling myself get a bit flustered. Some swooned over our professor, but I was not one of those poor unfortunate souls. At least I had good taste in men, and would go for someone who looked halfway decent. Sort of like that someone who was humiliating me right this second in the back of the class.

"WHAT was that, Kirschtein? I will not have profanity in my classroom. And _never_ refer to me as my first name again. How disrespectful." The now angered teacher pointed at me, and then turned to look at Eren who was still sucking on a fake cock. The rest of the class didn't know what to say.

"Jaeger and Kirschtein are staying after. We need to discuss some... things." Levi's eyebrows furrowed at the obscene things Eren was doing. "And where'd you learn to make such a good imitation, Eren? Disgusting." He scoffed. Where _did_ Eren learn to look like he was working it like a bitch in heat? And when did Levi get so perverse? _It's funny, some of the things you'll realize when you're actually paying attention in class, Jean. Quit staring at Eren for once and maybe you'll learn how to form a sentence in French.  
_

The bell rang and it was a hell of a relief for the rest of the idiots in that class, except for Eren and I. Marco smiled at me and waved as he left. Why was he always so happy? Happy pills? It only made sense. He was kind of cute, but I thought our personalities clashed. I was miserable and he always had a sweet smile plastered onto his freckled face. Marco was someone I could be attracted to, but the hopes for a relationship weren't high. I mean, sure.. If Jaeger turned me down, I might get together with Marco just to see how it would work out (aka make Eren a jealous man).

"Gentlemen, or should I say not-so-gentle men, what you did today was uncalled for and inappropriate." Rivaille stood in front of us. "If it happens again, I'll have you taken out of my class and put into another math block. Are we understood?" He asked. We both nodded, because we sure as hell didn't need more math to deal with.

"Jaeger, you're a decent student. But Jean over here needs some help. I have an incentive for you - if you help him out, I'll bring your grade up to an A. School's almost done with and I honestly can't be bothered. He'll probably understand more with help from a person who's his own age anyways... What do you say? Is that a good enough incentive for you?" Levi asked. This is why he sucked - he could be a lazy asshat who didn't want to do his own job.

"Yes it is.. It's quite a good incentive, actually. I'll take you up on that offer, Monsieur Rivaille." Eren smiled. What a kiss-up.

"Very well then. You boys are dismissed. And don't ever be profane in my class like that again. Do you understand? What you do out of here is your own business, but keep it out of here.." Levi lectured. Eren hushed him up with an irritated 'yeah, yeah' as the teacher smiled slyly at us, and opened the door that would get us out of this hell hole. I wasn't too pleased with the idea of someone I despised lurking over my shoulder and whispering 'je suis provocant' in my ear... But wait. Could it really be that bad? Did I really hate Jaeger as much as I wanted to? _Why_ did I hate him to begin with.. where did all the deeply harbored dislike come from? Jesus, why were these personal questions creeping up on me at an inconvenient time like this?

_Force these stupid ideas out of your head, Jean, and get with it. Eren's there to 'tutor' you, not to use the French language to flirt with you._ _Plus, you don't have a goddamned chance with him._ "My place or your place, horse ass?" He asked, smirking.

"U-Umm.. Yours I guess?" I scratched the back of my neck and looked at him. Eren came from money because his pops was a rich German dude, and his mom had passed so he got a fat monthly check even though he was rapidly approaching 18. After Carla's death, Papa Jaegs adopted a mysterious Asian girl who went by the name Mikasa to keep his son company. Their old man sent them to live alone in a nice house fit for a king - don't ask me why I know so much about Eren's personal life, because I can assure you that I _totally_ don't stalk him or anything. Ahh, the Jaeger family jewels. Eren was a tight-assed spoiled brat and everyone knew it, but I guess he was worth it. Even though I detested him, I could admit that he was something else compared to the rest.

"I know you still want to bone my sis.." He elbowed me.

"Fuck off, Jaeger."

I wanted to bone someone in the Jaeger family, but it wasn't Mikasa anymore. Fucking hormones...


	2. Hateboner

"Don't you think Mr. Rivaille is odd? I hate when he looks at us like that. What a pedo. His eyes just stare into my soul." Jean scoffed, the steady rhythm of our feet on the ground being the only other sound as we neared my neighborhood.

"I don't think he'd want to save your grade after all if he heard you saying that. You want to turn that _D_ into an A after all, right?" I smirked, stressing the letter D. Seeing Jean get all flustered was priceless.

"Would you stop with the dick jokes? My god.." I could have sworn I saw him blush.

"Aww, you're blushing!" I laughed, pointing at his cheeks. "I didn't know you felt _that _way about him... How adorable." I smirked, stopping to admire how blushy Jean was.

"I don't. I think he sucks. Can we just drop it and start this French tutoring bullshit?" He asked impatiently, starting towards the front door of the house. Another thing I'd learned about him after numerous occurrences of trial and error? Push his buttons and he'd become a bitch. A man-bitch. It was pretty funny. Sometimes I joked about him being 'on the rag'.

"Fine. Don't get pissy with me, Kirschtein. I'm your teacher now. Wanna see how fast I can turn into a psychotic tutor who's even worse than Levi? Don't force me to make you regret coming here. I know you hate me, but if you want to save your grade, you'll get over it." I scolded him as I tried to fight back a smirk, and unlocked the door. I walked in to find an empty house. Where was Mikasa? Maybe she was up in her room. I didn't like to admit it, but I worried about her and she worried about me just as much. In a brotherly-sisterly non-creepy way of course. After all, we were the only people each other had.

I walked over to the refrigerator and found a note. It read, _"Eren, I went over to Annie's for a while. Call me if you need anything, alright? -Mikasa."_ Annie was a strange girl who had advanced classes at school. She hardly ever spoke to anyone, but she met my sister and deemed her worthy to talk to. Mikasa and Annie were alike in their own ways - both odd and quiet, but a power duo nonetheless. Jean wouldn't know who Annie was anyway, because she was way out of his intellectual and mental leagues.

"Ooh la la, who's Annie? Is she a special someone?" Jean peered over my shoulders and I could feel his breath on my neck. Jean and I were alone. In my house. Not that Mikasa would dare to bother us, but the fact that we were here in isolation was pleasing. I could finally think without people buzzing around me all the time. I didn't have to show off anymore.

"Quit doing that, you nosebag.." I muttered. Was that the feeling of hairs standing up on my neck because of how close he was?

"Why? I'm intrigued. Who is this _Annie_? Is your sister gay?" He smirked.

"I don't know if she's gay. Why would I want to? That's her business.." I set the note on the table and turned around to face Jean who was surprisingly even closer to me."Would you stop doing that? Creeper..." I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away and onto the fridge.

"Feisty. I like it, Jaeger." Of course, he replied with that stupidly smug look.

A new energy settled in the air around us. Again, the fact that we were alone lingered in the back of my mind. "We can put French off till next week. It's the weekend. Rivaille can kiss my ass." Jean chuckled and advanced on me until my ass hit the table.

"W-What are you doing, Jean?" I stuttered.

"Oh, just a little of this.." He whispered, nibbling my ear. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" He sang the corny lyrics to that Christina Aguleira song. What was I supposed to do? I stood there awkwardly, my hands on his shoulders, just getting used to the feeling of his warm breaths on my neck.

"Jean.. I'm not gay..." I latched onto his arms. Out of all the things I could have said, I chose to tell him I wasn't gay. Not only was it a fight-or-flight response, it was complete bullshit to boot. _God damn it, Eren. Why couldn't you have just kissed him?_

"Cut the shit, Jaeger. We all know that's a big white lie." He chuckled. "And if you're sure you're not gay, why did you just cop a feel?"

All Jean could do was smile as he left me in the kitchen with my little problem. He walked into the living room and flipped the TV on, resting his feet on the expensive coffee table like an ass. I guess it was my fault. The fact that Jean and I were alone must have turned me on, and the way he put his hands on me... _Never mind._ I stormed into the room, erection still present as ever in my pants.

"G-God, it was a hateboner. I swear. Don't ever pull any stunt like that ever again.." Jesus, I was really acting like a fool. I could barely get my words out. I was frustrated. I couldn't even make eye contact with the boy who was the object of my desire-err, I mean frustration.

"Oh puh-lease, Jaeger. You're fucking pathetic." He smirked and laughed at the way I stood there, helpless.

"Please don't tell anyone, Jean. I beg of you." I whined. Fuck, now I was desperate.

"Score for Kirschtein. Now I have something I can use against you. You humiliated me in French class today, and this is your payback. Karma's a bitch, and she happened to make an appearance through your cock." Jean laughed and pointed at the tent in my pants. _WHY WAS I STILL HARD?_

"Know what? I'm tempted to take a picture of you with that pathetic look on your face and your hard-on, and send it to everyone I know. That means Connie, Sasha, Marco, and the rest of those mother fuckers. And I hope it gets around to Levi." He quickly took his phone out of his pocket and was about to start recording until I grabbed his hand and pinned him onto the couch. We struggled and struggled to get our hands on his phone.

"If you break my phone, I fucking swear, Eren-"

"Nghh!"

"SHIT, IT'S STUCK!" The phone fell through the crack in the couch and Jean tried as hard as he could to pry it out.

Right at that moment, Mikasa walked in. Fuck my life in it's tight virgin ass.

"Eren, Jean... I don't even want to know. Finish whatever you might be doing and, just.. See you later." I could tell she was absolutely, positively mortified. The slamming of the door reverberated through the living room. It would probably be weeks until I finally mustered up the courage to explain what happened. Even then, Mikasa probably wouldn't believe me. Well, it could have been worse. Someone who couldn't be trusted might have walked in to see me writhing on Jean's body like a deprived, sex-hungry fool. And I was the complete opposite, right? _..Right?_


	3. Goodbye My Almost Blowjob

After a few moments (that felt like years, mind you) of being stuck with Eren on top of me in that painfully awkward position, I finally grew some balls and decided to break the silence.

"So..." My voice was nearly inaudible. I was starting to regret coming over here. At least if we had gone to my house, no one would have walked in at the worst of all times.

"What now?" I asked, and I swore to God I could feel my heart begin to thud in my chest. Hopefully Eren wouldn't be able to hear it. They say that if someone makes your heart race, that's a sign of being in love. I quickly dismissed the thought and blamed my rapidly beating heart on nerves instead.

"I.. I can't believe you, Kirschtein.." He grunted, and his voice seemed to shake as he spoke. "After all that, you have the damn audacity to ask _'what now'_? What the hell do you think this is?" His grasp tightened on my wrist. Now I was sure that he definitely _was_ shaking. "..Things are going to be awkward between me and my sister for the next 33 some-odd years."

"Eren.. Eren, calm the fuck down." I said, and I took a huge risk. This huge risk was bringing my free hand up to touch the nape of his neck, forcing him to look me in the eyes.

"What are you doing, Jean? Oh hell, what's another touch. You might as well just fucking kiss me. You might as well-"

"I might as well what, Jaeger? Do tell me more." I smirked, searching those frantic jade eyes for a response. He seemed to be dumbstruck. What was he implying, anyway? Did he really want me to kiss him? For a split-second, I imagined how it would feel to press my lips up against his. What would it feel like to have his tongue brush up against mine? To touch him and.. _Stop it, Kirschtein. Keep it up and you'll end up getting a pathetic boner just like he did._ The feeling of his ass on my groin was enough to give me one already, and I tried my hardest to ignore the sensation of having him on top of me.

"Please, let's just pretend this never happened. Go home. I'll see you on Monday, 'kay?" He looked into the distance, averting my eye contact, and attempted to get up from the couch. I stopped him. I wasn't going to let him walk away from this that easily.

"Eren.. You said you wanted me to kiss you. And you know what? I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna comply." Again, I made him look me in the eyes. "Jean, you're fucking crazy. Just stop screwing with me and go home. Go jack off in your room and cry or something." His eyebrows furrowed and.. was that a blush beginning to appear on his cheeks?

Something was building up in my chest, and it was as if there was a huge crowd in my head cheering me on. _Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him._ I needed to act on these feelings pronto, so I did it. I pulled him in by the shirt collar and smashed my lips up against his.

Eren looked down at me with this weird expression I'd never seen on him before - did it have something to do with his eyes? And then, he did the unexpected. He attacked _my_ lips with another passionate kiss, his hands pinning my shoulders to the couch so I couldn't move.

"So I take it you really don't want me to go home? Nice. Reverse psychology." I chuckled, running my hands through his soft brown hair. "How about you shut up and let my actions do the talking?" He responded with a gruff whisper, and I felt him move down to my neck.

"Shit.." I bit my lip as he began to kiss my neck and suck on it rather roughly. I should have known he was going to do this to me. Punk-ass little shit. "Damn, you're going to give me a hickey. Looks like I'll be stuck looking like an idiot, wearing a scarf in the middle of the summer."

"Shut up, Jean. Do you want this or not? And I swear, if you tell anyone I'll have Mikasa and Annie hang your balls from a fucking cherry tree. Are we understood?" Eren cupped my cheeks, and my amber eyes met his. _What am I getting myself into? He certainly seems interesting when it comes to these kinds of things. __He'd probably be a really good fuck, though... He seems like a kinky bastard at best._

"Jaeger.. What exactly do you mean by _'this'_? How far are you, uh... planning to go?" I asked nervously.

"I thought I told you to shut up. Now you're gonna get it." He smirked devilishly and began to tease the arousal in my pants. "Isn't this what you've always wanted? For me to blow you?"

Just then, an annoying little sound broke our heated moment. It was the ringtone of my cellphone that was trapped in the couch. "Fuck, I have to get that. What if something happened?" I scrambled out of his grasp and dug for my device which was wedged under the couch cushion.

I hastily picked up the phone, trying to regain myself and catch my breath.

"..Hello?" I answered.

"Yeah, hi Jean! It's me, Marco.. Listen, do you want to go to Denny's tonight? I'm planning a little get-together with a few friends from school!" The cheerful voice echoed through the speaker. Eren and I both exchanged glances as if to say the same thing: _Are you fucking kidding me?_ _Jean could have been getting a blowjob right now, and Marco calls about Denny's?_

"Jesus Christ. Who's going to call next? Is Ronald McDonald gonna let you know that there's a deal on hamburgers? Give me a break.." Eren bitched, and Marco must have heard it.

Sure enough, he began to flip out. "Jean, are you busy? Oh my God, I'm so sorry!"

"No, man. That's just Jaeger in the background, being his usual dickish self.." I smacked Eren on the shoulder, mouthing the words _'shut up'_.

"Oh, Eren? He can come too, if you guys want! The more the merrier, I always say." Marco let out a giddy chuckle. Sometimes he was too happy. Too happy for his own good. Meanwhile, Eren glared at me as if he were ready to kick me in the nuts.

"Yeah.. That sounds good, Bodt. What time is this little gathering?" I asked, trying hard to ignore the death glares I was receiving.

"How could I forget the time? It's gonna be at 8pm. You can wear your pajamas if you want, but anything is fine. Just keep it PG!" He laughed, and Eren was just about ready to throw my phone across the room.

"Sounds dandy, Marco. We'll be there. See ya!" I quickly hung up, praying that the sound of Eren tackling me didn't make it through to the other side of the line. "Why, Jean? _WHY?_ Do you really want to eat dinner with that group of buffoons? You could be fucking me instead." He groaned, obviously pissed off with my choice to bring him to Denny's.

"Although option two is very appealing, Marco is a nice guy.. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings. God forbid one of us makes him sad or upset. He could turn into the next Godzilla." I said, smirking up at him.

"You better wear your best pair of pajamas, because tonight's gonna be a fun night, Jaeger."


End file.
